Scream in Agony

When have you wanted to scream in agony?

What makes you want to scream in agony?

I FELT SO MAD that all I wanted to do was inhale as much breath as humanly possible and scream in agony at the top of my voice! From there I sank into a pity party that lasted about 20 minutes; which led to my obsessing over my options for taking action.

What happened to me (at least it felt like it happened to me), was a similar course of events that had been occurring, again and again, for months. I had been living and reliving similar events of disappointment for more than six months. All I wanted to do was scream “ENOUGH!”

I am done dealing with circumstances that I feel are imposed upon me by people to whom claim they are team members and have my best interest in mind. What’s that saying…”when you have teamwork, the dream works”? Well, with what happened that day, the dream – MY DREAM – was not happening that day and that was for sure!

What’s the big deal? What is going on? Whatever IT is, I want to understand IT so I can begin to take action towards ending cycle of this constant disappointment.


After all Albert Einstein is quoted stating –

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” (


Clearly, with the large number of disappointments I have been experiencing, I need to change something.

I know for sure that IT won’t be found in the nitty-gritty details of each occurrence. Even though I find it so easy to get wrapped up in the details of “he said/she said/you said”. Those details are the blame game –a game that really does not solve a thing. All the blame game does is waste time, energy and my breath. The blame game crumbles my faith and belief in the good of people. The blame game destroys communication until it becomes a nasty pile of rotting garbage. The blame game serves no one.

So here is what I did…I took a big, huge, gigantic step outside my world to observe what is really happening. Sometimes the step needed to observe what is really going on is so enormous, it takes a while for me to keep going more and more exterior to get to a point where I can truly understand the circumstance and in this case, six months worth of circumstances. I have always found that when I am really observant, I can find the universe provides me with strong messages and clues of what to do.

Had I been more observant the evening prior to my recent episode of frustration, I would have been more prepared to favorably respond. That evening I watched one of my favorite movies, “Bottle Shock” – a fictional story based upon a real life event of the 1976 wine competition called “Judgment of Paris”. As the story unfolds, an accomplished attorney – partner in a California law firm, is seen transformed into a passionate vintner. He has a dream of perfecting the wine making process in order to glean a magnificent wine.

The ability to pay the accruing debt becomes a significant burden. The vintner is shown filled with so much angst he cries out about how he does not want his efforts to fail. HE does not want to become a failure.  In his torment, he slams his fist into a cabinet door. As the viewer, I could feel his pain. I cried with him as I watched his display of frustration.

On the cusp of actually, physically creating the perfect wine, the vintner discovers his beautiful Chardonnay has turned brown in color. He prepares to trash the entire lot; walking away from his dream due to an assumed error in the wine making process. Unaware that the discoloration is only temporary, the vintner makes the decision to abandon his dream and return to his previous career. Like a dog with his tail between his legs, shamed from disobedience, the vintner asks for his job back.

Incomplete knowledge and disappointed expectations lead to bad decisions. – KEN MURRAY, MD

His prior partner mocks the vintner for believing in his dream; making the return to the office even more unbearable. The meeting is interrupted with a phone call. The call was not for the partner, but for the vintner. It’s the vintner’s son on the other line, calling to inform his father the wine color reversed. The Chardonnay became clear. He had in fact created the perfect Chardonnay.  The vintner’s son discovered the error was in fact the true perfection of the wine making process – called the reduction process.  Due to the absence of oxygen during the wine making process, the wine temporarily turns brown. It is rare to perfect the reduction process. When it does happen, the wine is wonderful!

Thankfully, the son retrieves the lot of wine and the story goes on to the vintner winning the 1976 wine competition called “Judgment of Paris” – a French competition that proved California wines to be above the best of the French wines. The result of this competition has forever changed the wealth in wine from Napa Valley.

Remember how I started with how I was so mad I could scream at the top of my voice? Well, this story of the vintner rings a bell with me. If the vintner could only have had the view, the view from outside his immediate moment of frustration, he may have been able to react with a more inquisitive mind – a mind of wonderment. With his wonderment, he may have been able to communicate with an expert in wine making; someone having knowledge of perfecting the reduction process. This someone would have encouraged him to have a tiny bit more patience. The vintner would have gleefully witnessed the reduction process occurring within the wine he so passionately and masterfully created.

So in my circumstance of experiencing months of disappointment, I can’t help but wonder, if I just step outside my world to observe my immediate situation, what will I find? I wonder how the universe will align to show me the wonderful opportunities ahead of me; the opportunities that are now masked by my focus on wanting to scream in agony.